baby, Our Life

For I know the plans I have for you…

…declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

One thing that I constantly struggle with in life is waiting for God’s timing. I know He has a plan and I know that His plan will far surpass anything that I could make happen myself. I see this most clearly in my marriage to my sweet husband. Prior to dating Stephen, I was in a long-term relationship. We’d been together so long that it seemed only natural that the next step was getting engaged and married. However, God knew better. I’m not going to speak harshly of that relationship, as I believe that God puts people in our lives for a season and often to teach us something about ourselves. What I learned from that was that I deserved so much more. I learned that I thought I knew what good was, but until I had Stephen I really didn’t know how good life could be. And so, from 1,222 miles away, God brought me the best man I have ever known and the best gift of my life. I could not be more thankful that I waited for God’s timing in regard to who I would marry. I could not be more blessed in the husband department. I am so grateful that God had a plan.

Here’s how I pictured my life growing up:

  • Graduate college at 21
  • Get married at 21/ 22
  • Start having children at 24/25
  • Be done having children by 30

Here’s the reality of the situation:

  • I did graduate college at 21. Yay me!
  • Stephen and I got married at 25. I’m very happy that I didn’t get married at 21 because I would have married the wrong guy. I could have gotten married at 22 to Stephen but that might have been a little quick considering we were still long distance at the time. Would I have married him at 22? Absolutely.

    Us at 22 on our "first date"
    Us at 22 on our “first date”
  • I’m 28 and we have yet to have a successful pregnancy. At this point I’m just hoping to have one child by 30, which means that if we want to have more than one child, we will most likely not be finished by 30.

Most of you do not know that over the course of the last week, we lost our second baby. As with our first pregnancy, we were over the moon excited to be pregnant. Due to the loss of our first baby, we were hesitant to share that joy with anyone until we had been in for our first appointment at 8 weeks and received a clean bill of health for the baby and for me. Those first few weeks were like slow torture without telling our parents, siblings and closest friends. But, the joy was again so all-encompassing. I made my appointment for this Friday, the day my mom flies in from California, so that she could be there to share in that experience. I had already planned how to tell my dad and my sisters. I would be 12 weeks by the time we go to Nashville at the end of April. Our baby would get to go to the Zac Brown Band concert with us in May, Texas for Amy’s wedding, 15 Rockies games this season and be born just before Thanksgiving, my birthday and Christmas. It was going to be amazing. (Yes, I am aware that I’m crazy and OCD in this regard.)

But then, around 6.5 weeks, there were complications. We went to the doctor and did an ultrasound. Not great news. I did two blood tests in a 48 hour period that confirmed that we were losing the baby.

Though we felt better prepared this time around (the first time was a complete shock), it still really, really sucks. Two pregnancies, two miscarriages. The thoughts that go through your mind at a time like this are scattered and frightening. Will we ever have children? Is there something wrong with me?  The doctor assured us that yes, we will be parents. It may not be as easy for us as everyone else we know who, to quote the doctor, “get pregnant by sharing a glass of water.” She also assured us that we did not do anything wrong. There is probably nothing wrong with us. We can get some tests done if we would like, but she did say “you will have the children you are meant to have.” She was one step away from saying that God has a plan. Which I’m pretty sure she’s not allowed to say.

So while my emotions are rather unpredictable right now, I am choosing to hold fast to the truth that God does indeed have a plan. God’s plan has always been infinitely better than the plans I have for myself, even if his answer to prayer is “not yet.”

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” — Psalm 37:4

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3 thoughts on “For I know the plans I have for you…”

  1. There is really nothing more I can say other than I love you. It may not be helpful and I may not be able to provide comforting words of advice, but I love you. You are my sister and you mean the world to me. Just know that.

  2. Amanda,
    I to suffered a miscarriage and it was the worst thing in my life to lose a precious baby. I went to counseling and the Dr told me the best thing that I ever did and that was to plant a tree in the baby’s memory and maybe even put something to symbolize the loss and in doing that I was able to start the grieving and healing process.
    Just an Idea that worked for me. Love you and will be praying for you both. I am also very proud of the amazing woman that has her life so in line with God that you can reach out and say the most amazing things when you could have so many other reactions.
    May God bless you both

    Donna Quinn

  3. Nikki, I would not be able to get through this season of my life without you. You have been so helpful, supportive and loving, even from another state. I love you.

    Donna, thank you. We’ll definitely look into ideas like that. Love you.

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